"Something"

The year 2012, for me, has passed much faster than the years before it. I'm sure next year will be faster. But every year, I get to meet new people that turn into friends. These friends are very valuable to me as they add colour to life, my life. Even the drama some people bring adds variety to life.

This year, I have met new, or gotten to know more of some, people. These people are ones I hung out with not too often just a quick gesture of acknowledgement along the halls, a bit of small talk here and there, and generally just acquaintances. But this year, I have gotten to know these people more. One event leads to a hang out, the hang out turns into another where some would bring their friends, and the cycle continues. This has turned into regular activities which in turn have brought us all closer together.

Now I find myself looking for these people to be with. They make me feel like, finally, my thoughts have a place to be brought out into. They make me feel like my personality is appreciated. They laugh at my jokes, and make me laugh. With these people, I can be liberated from consciousness, fear of being judged, and fear of being an embarrassment. These people, who became to be known as "Something" has made me feel accepted.

Ever since I started hanging out with Something, I have shown the real me without reconsideration. Not that I wasn't being real before, but with them, I can act all goofy and they would enjoy it. Because, also, they have their fair share of goofiness. Before them, I have become really tired of trying to be all put together and collected when inside, I'm still a kid, a teen, trying to figure it all out.

I've been in "friend groups" more than I could ever wish to have. But in those other groups were drama, difficulty, and generally negativity. In Something, however, is quite different. I have never had so much fun in such short time periods with any other people than they.

I believe that if a man finds himself a friend, or friends, who would accept him and love him even in his weakness and darkest hour and still be there for him, that he has found wealth that nothing compares to.

This year has been nothing short of surprising. And most definitely, the group, Something, has made its major influence on it. Although, sadly, nothing lasts forever, I shall make the most of the season that these people actually are in my life. I'm really grateful for you guys! I hope I make you as happy as you do me, individually and collectively. My most sincere gratitude to you, Something.

Here's a shout out to ya'll (in no particular order): Ira, Hannah, Felicity, Shishi, Monika, Johnny, Deandro, Karmena, Shota, Justin, Paul, Robert, Patricia, Yazmin, and Jovy (sometimes even Yuta and Darrow).

P.S: Our group is kinda racist, where's our black friend(s)?

Passion > Excuse?

As I have said in one of my previous posts, I am having to decide between pursuing my passion right away and simply leaving behind my academics. At first I was quite confident that I can make it in the music industry, as well as make the music industry itself. I have actual connections ( which the Philippines' entertainment industry so require) and the looks and talent for it. The people around me are actually supportive. And some of which are capable of helping me and my boy band out.

Today, I was driving up north for a party my mom is attending. With the not so moderate traffic, I turn in to my usual habit thinking. I was thinking about how I will be able to finish my papers with this busy holiday season. I was also wondering if I could still make it for next term's scholarship. For quite some time now, I've been fine with the thought of not being able to re-enroll. But today, as I drove. I'd realized profoundly that no matter how good and capable I am of making it in the industry, it's still all a chance. It requires risk.

For a minute, I felt scared. Then came into my thoughts, why quit? Why give up? It's only less than three months to go anyways before graduation. I felt so scared that I was going to end up failing both my acads and music.

But isn't like about taking risks? Isn't this life too short to waste on conformity to the demand of money? Would it still be living if I just did what the world oh so subtly dictates? That wouldn't be living. That wouldn't be me.

If I was alone, I'd be fine taking the risk of failing. But then I don't want to disappoint my parents, relatives, friends, and maybe even my self. Though, this doesn't mean I'm not going to pursue music. It just means that I'm going to try my best to fight for this last 3 months of studying. So that I'm safe. The industry is always there. It can wait three more months. Heck, it's already waited 19 years.

Music. Academics. Life. Destiny

Honestly, I don't know what is happening anymore. I can't create a straight train of thought. Whenever I try to think about something, something else comes up in my head. This is due to a bunch of responsibilities I'd neglected in the past. Now, the time has passed for most of them. I can't catch up with myself. I remember now the main reason why I made this blog. Life was passing so fast that even I can't catch up with my self. I don't know how things will work out, but I will definitely make my best efforts to rescue myself from my situation.

With school, don't even get me started. The Christmas break has started for most people in school, even my class mates. I, on the other hand, don't know if I'll even have one. I haven't finished any of my tasks, all the papers worth for a whole term, I haven't finished. It's not due to a lack trying. I tried. I tried so hard to get better grades than I did the previous term. But, happily, my computer decides to crash right at the week of first batch submission. This occurrence had led me into being unmotivated. Then came along the musical play competition between my school and its sister schools. Although I had won the Best Actor title, it didn't feel as rewarding as it should've. Because at the back of my mind, 2 batches of my school work will have been due right around the conclusion of that play. Although I brought home glory to my university, I had not brought glory home to myself, nor my mother.

Right now, the chances of me, at least, passing any of my subjects for the 2nd term is looking dim. If I fail, I'll lose my scholarship. I'm already on probation from my 1st term's outcome (which my mom hasn't found out about by the way). Yes, that means I can't afford to pay for the full tuition of this expensive university I call home.

I don't know who to blame. My self, my computer, my academic support responsibilities, the universe? I just don't know. But hey, what does it matter who there is to blame? This is life. I should've seen this coming and prepared.

You know what sucks the most? I have great potential. I know so. I'm more intellectual than most people of my generation-- a real generation revolutionary. But this life, I swear, isn't making it easy for me to unleash my potentials. I guess this is the battle that I should win and then become a hero for my self, my family, and the people around me.

So, I don't know. I can't disappoint my family. I just can't. However, I have already disappointed my self. One of the worst fears of my life, not living my full potential and failing my parents. Right now, that's how it seems like this life is going.

Sometimes, I just want to quit school and work on my music. But, although in this country, I know I have one of the greatest chances to make it big, national, maybe even international, in this career path comes no assurance. I can't end up a "penniless artist." And one more reason I shouldn't quit-- there's only the 3rd term left before I graduate.

I just want to scream. Yes, my academics are of top importance, but it frustrates me how I can't focus on my music-- composing, interpreting, mixing, and performing. Whenever I do these, I feel so at home, like I'm doing what it was I was born into this world for. My whole life, I've been taught that it is only I who shape, make, and decide on my destiny: well, music seems like it is my life, my destiny. But then again, I am always apprehensive due to possible failure and wasting my time. I don't want to grow older and look back at my youth and think how stupid I was.

Dear future self. Don't hate me. I'm doing the best I can with the given circumstances while still trying to have a good and sociable life, okay? I'm sure you're doing well, better, now. But I'm sorry. I'm sorry for making the path there difficult. I hope I'd at least made it possible. You're doing a good job. Don't give up. From the younger you.

Last week of my 2nd Term for the 2nd year.

I have a bunch of school load to finish this week. As in all the work that I need to finish for the whole of the term all have to be finished this week.

Yet, here I am blogging.

I'll go back to working now.