From horrible experience to uplifting.

Today (Saturday), I went to school at noon. We had a call time at 1:00pm for technical rehearsals. Hours had passed by and none of my co-performers were present. As each hour passed by, I had been losing interest in performing later on. Most people arrived on the hour that the programme started, except for one. No one knows where she is or what happened to her. As all these occurred, I was subtly convincing myself and everyone else to just take a rain check. But no matter how hard we tried, we couldn't excuse ourselves from the organizers. i honestly have never felt such lack of motivation in my entire life, as in I had no more enthusiasm for that performance. I had waited literally hours for my cast mates. In light of my previous experience, if I had not rehearsed properly, it would be best not to perform so as that I wouldn't make a fool of my self.

Somehow, we pulled-ourselves (minus one member) together at the last minute and managed to perform at least one song out of the two we were going to present. It just so happens that this song is my solo live song where the other cast members only sing in the end. We struggled outside the venue hall to ramble the roles and scripts due to the two missing members (one was excused while the other was just AWOL). Half an hour later, we decided to just go with the flow and do improv if we do make mistakes with the script (which we did).

So the minutes leading up to the song, we were stumbling on stage and nothing was going right. The music starts playing and I hit my first note. It was good! I swear. It was worth soldiering out. The complements I'd received were nothing like I'd received before. They didn't even know what I was going through. It just went to show that complements and encouragements do work, and you won't even. So note to self, or reader, generously give out complements when deserved. You lose nothing; you give out life.

Overly sensitive, too selfless, too nice

Recently, something has occurred that made me think about my self. A friend of mine (not too close, but good enough friend) I suspect, is not at terms with me. Although I had tried not to be caught in between this conflict she and her boyfriend got into, I still found myself out on the curb. It's not just me, but everyone else in the room, she'd given place to this probable anger. She's been ignoring us. It wasn't even my (our) fault. We were caught in the middle of their conflict and now I (we) suffer the consequences.

Okay. Now that you have a brief understanding of what I'm going through, I can proceed with the story. When she seemingly ignored me today in that one cafe near the university, I felt quite ...affected. The perfect word for what I feel is hurt. Then suddenly, I turn into this pensive mood. Which if you've hung around me enough, you'd know that it's not evidently my regular demeanor. When I get into that zone, it's quite hard for me to enjoy whatever else is happening around me. I fake a laugh or two, have very brief responses to the things around me.

I then arrived at the question about myself, how I allow people to do this to me. Just some casual companionship, nothing relatively as significant as my other relationships. Yet I feel like this. Am I that much of a people pleaser that if a person is mad or disappointed at me, I feel down, hurt, and affected? Even though it was never really my fault? Where is my value for my self? I am worth more than this. I know this, yet I don't realise it.

It's not just this occasion. It's a constant thing regardless of the level of relationship I have with that person. Am I too nice, too selfless, too considerate that I allow something not nearly as significant as it should be to affect me this big? Is what I'm doing good? If yes, then who for? It can't be me. How do I programme it into myself that this behaviour is not acceptable?

You know what? I'm not gonna allow people anymore to prance all over me. I am more than this. I am of more value. For Christ's sake, I'm redeemed by the blood of the Creator of everything. I tend to lose my valor and put other people in front of me. It's easy for me to put my needs in a business situation, but when it's a social situation, I am the least of my priority. I think this makes me a boring person in general. Well, not anymore. At least I'll try. I am now aware of this. I can work on this.

Anyway, I am sorry for the long rant. And if you've read this until this part without skipping any paragraph, thank you. I guess you were able to relate to. If I was able to allow you an avenue to empathise with someone, then my afflictions will not have been for naught.

I'll get there.

Salutations readers!

Recently, I've been thinking about what I will be doing in the near future. I'm almost done with school. I might say, I'm doing great in terms of outcome, but not that much with regard to my personal endeavors. I can do great in school, but I feel like I'm not making the most out of my self. This isn't where I really want to be. I want to be out there, practicing songs, learning choreographies, conceptualizing the productions of my concert, choosing performing clothes, getting into passionate debates about every small detail of a performance with my group. I'd rather be out there every night losing sleep because of so much projects and performances.

In line with that, I'll need to take my internship soon. What I thought of was, why not choose a company that is in the entertainment industry. I have chosen GMA Artist Center. Although I have not yet applied, I'm really looking forward to that. I only hope that they accept interns. We'll all find out soon.

But as for now, I have to finish a lot of my school work. I want to finish this already and just be done with it. I'll have documents to support my business knowledge. That's great. But I just want to start doing what I am passionate about.

Listen, don't think that I don't appreciate what opportunity I have seized right now. But you know that feeling where you're only doing okay, but not doing great and you know what you must do for you to do great? That's what. I'll get there someday. Just watch and see.

Hopeless Romantic Me?

Hello, readers. I'm surprised I have nearly a hundred views. Thank you everyone! I'm assuming none of you are regular readers, just some random reader who happened to get caught onto my tags. But if you actually are, then thank you! I really appreciate it. Maybe you're halfway around the world and I wont even know.

Right now, I'm feeling quite hallow. I don't know why. Nothing's wrong. My friends are around me. My family is complete. We're financially stable. I am doing well with my studies. But something is missing. I just don't understand what. From hindsight, where I am now is fantastic. I guess it's just been all routinary.

I haven't felt like this since high school. Maybe this is just the meds, but albeit, it has led me to my sentiments. This had me thinking, maybe it's time I found her. But I just can't. It's so hard. I always have this hope that I will find her one day, that everything will feel right. That everything I've been expecting will be present in this woman. And all my idealistic dreams will be fulfilled, my foolish hopeless romantic dreams. That I find her in the midst of my regular everyday routine, that the perfect weather, cold wind and sun, just fits the occasion while the sun rays are perfectly beaming behind her. I meet her somehow, and I ask her out for coffee. Once in the cafe, we sit in the outdoors tables and just have the time of our lives, laughing at everything and finding that we share the same vision for life. Then, we would be realizing that we would be stupid to let each other go. My friends will have high regard and approval of her, and her's the same.

But... no. I'm still here. I'll be waiting. :)

Hello, readers. I'm surprised I have nearly a hundred views. Thank you everyone! I'm assuming none of you are regular readers, just some random reader who happened to get caught onto my tags. But if you actually are, then thank you! I really appreciate it. Maybe you're halfway around the world and I wont even know.

Right now, I'm feeling quite hallow. I don't know why. Nothing's wrong. My friends are around me. My family is complete. We're financially stable. I am doing well with my studies. But something is missing. I just don't understand what. From hindsight, where I am now is fantastic. I guess it's just been all routinary.

I haven't felt like this since high school. Maybe this is just the meds, but albeit, it has led me to my sentiments. This had me thinking, maybe it's time I found her. But I just can't. It's so hard. I always have this hope that I will find her one day, that everything will feel right. That everything I've been expecting will be present in this woman. And all my idealistic dreams will be fulfilled, my foolish hopeless romantic dreams. That I find her in the midst of my regular everyday routine, that the perfect weather, cold wind and sun, just fits the occasion while the sun rays are perfectly beaming behind her. I meet her somehow, and I ask her out for coffee. Once in the cafe, we sit in the outdoors tables and just have the time of our lives, laughing at everything and finding that we share the same vision for life. Then, we would be realizing that we would be stupid to let each other go. My friends will have high regard and approval of her, and her's the same.

But... no. I'm still here. I'll be waiting. :)

Listen

I've tried and tried to tell you my thoughts, and you heard them. I share one of the deepest things about me, and you do nothing about it. It must just mean that you dont really care too much for that or just that your opinion is more important.

You should've listened. It never would've had to get to this. You fill me up with so much sadness and you dont even notice. I've had it. I'm done.

School in 2013 - First Day

With all the hustle and bustle of the holidays over, the inevitable has come-- school has now officially started. During the break, I wasn't too fond of coming back to school. Now that I am actually back here, it feels different. I realized that I actually have missed it.

Although I do wish to do more of this blog, I'm afraid I'd have to postpone. I'm in the middle of class right now.