Honestly, I don't know what is happening anymore. I can't create a straight train of thought. Whenever I try to think about something, something else comes up in my head. This is due to a bunch of responsibilities I'd neglected in the past. Now, the time has passed for most of them. I can't catch up with myself. I remember now the main reason why I made this blog. Life was passing so fast that even I can't catch up with my self. I don't know how things will work out, but I will definitely make my best efforts to rescue myself from my situation.
With school, don't even get me started. The Christmas break has started for most people in school, even my class mates. I, on the other hand, don't know if I'll even have one. I haven't finished any of my tasks, all the papers worth for a whole term, I haven't finished. It's not due to a lack trying. I tried. I tried so hard to get better grades than I did the previous term. But, happily, my computer decides to crash right at the week of first batch submission. This occurrence had led me into being unmotivated. Then came along the musical play competition between my school and its sister schools. Although I had won the Best Actor title, it didn't feel as rewarding as it should've. Because at the back of my mind, 2 batches of my school work will have been due right around the conclusion of that play. Although I brought home glory to my university, I had not brought glory home to myself, nor my mother.
Right now, the chances of me, at least, passing any of my subjects for the 2nd term is looking dim. If I fail, I'll lose my scholarship. I'm already on probation from my 1st term's outcome (which my mom hasn't found out about by the way). Yes, that means I can't afford to pay for the full tuition of this expensive university I call home.
I don't know who to blame. My self, my computer, my academic support responsibilities, the universe? I just don't know. But hey, what does it matter who there is to blame? This is life. I should've seen this coming and prepared.
You know what sucks the most? I have great potential. I know so. I'm more intellectual than most people of my generation-- a real generation revolutionary. But this life, I swear, isn't making it easy for me to unleash my potentials. I guess this is the battle that I should win and then become a hero for my self, my family, and the people around me.
So, I don't know. I can't disappoint my family. I just can't. However, I have already disappointed my self. One of the worst fears of my life, not living my full potential and failing my parents. Right now, that's how it seems like this life is going.
Sometimes, I just want to quit school and work on my music. But, although in this country, I know I have one of the greatest chances to make it big, national, maybe even international, in this career path comes no assurance. I can't end up a "penniless artist." And one more reason I shouldn't quit-- there's only the 3rd term left before I graduate.
I just want to scream. Yes, my academics are of top importance, but it frustrates me how I can't focus on my music-- composing, interpreting, mixing, and performing. Whenever I do these, I feel so at home, like I'm doing what it was I was born into this world for. My whole life, I've been taught that it is only I who shape, make, and decide on my destiny: well, music seems like it is my life, my destiny. But then again, I am always apprehensive due to possible failure and wasting my time. I don't want to grow older and look back at my youth and think how stupid I was.
Dear future self. Don't hate me. I'm doing the best I can with the given circumstances while still trying to have a good and sociable life, okay? I'm sure you're doing well, better, now. But I'm sorry. I'm sorry for making the path there difficult. I hope I'd at least made it possible. You're doing a good job. Don't give up. From the younger you.
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