Recently, something has occurred that made me think about my self. A friend of mine (not too close, but good enough friend) I suspect, is not at terms with me. Although I had tried not to be caught in between this conflict she and her boyfriend got into, I still found myself out on the curb. It's not just me, but everyone else in the room, she'd given place to this probable anger. She's been ignoring us. It wasn't even my (our) fault. We were caught in the middle of their conflict and now I (we) suffer the consequences.
Okay. Now that you have a brief understanding of what I'm going through, I can proceed with the story. When she seemingly ignored me today in that one cafe near the university, I felt quite ...affected. The perfect word for what I feel is hurt. Then suddenly, I turn into this pensive mood. Which if you've hung around me enough, you'd know that it's not evidently my regular demeanor. When I get into that zone, it's quite hard for me to enjoy whatever else is happening around me. I fake a laugh or two, have very brief responses to the things around me.
I then arrived at the question about myself, how I allow people to do this to me. Just some casual companionship, nothing relatively as significant as my other relationships. Yet I feel like this. Am I that much of a people pleaser that if a person is mad or disappointed at me, I feel down, hurt, and affected? Even though it was never really my fault? Where is my value for my self? I am worth more than this. I know this, yet I don't realise it.
It's not just this occasion. It's a constant thing regardless of the level of relationship I have with that person. Am I too nice, too selfless, too considerate that I allow something not nearly as significant as it should be to affect me this big? Is what I'm doing good? If yes, then who for? It can't be me. How do I programme it into myself that this behaviour is not acceptable?
You know what? I'm not gonna allow people anymore to prance all over me. I am more than this. I am of more value. For Christ's sake, I'm redeemed by the blood of the Creator of everything. I tend to lose my valor and put other people in front of me. It's easy for me to put my needs in a business situation, but when it's a social situation, I am the least of my priority. I think this makes me a boring person in general. Well, not anymore. At least I'll try. I am now aware of this. I can work on this.
Anyway, I am sorry for the long rant. And if you've read this until this part without skipping any paragraph, thank you. I guess you were able to relate to. If I was able to allow you an avenue to empathise with someone, then my afflictions will not have been for naught.
Okay. Now that you have a brief understanding of what I'm going through, I can proceed with the story. When she seemingly ignored me today in that one cafe near the university, I felt quite ...affected. The perfect word for what I feel is hurt. Then suddenly, I turn into this pensive mood. Which if you've hung around me enough, you'd know that it's not evidently my regular demeanor. When I get into that zone, it's quite hard for me to enjoy whatever else is happening around me. I fake a laugh or two, have very brief responses to the things around me.
I then arrived at the question about myself, how I allow people to do this to me. Just some casual companionship, nothing relatively as significant as my other relationships. Yet I feel like this. Am I that much of a people pleaser that if a person is mad or disappointed at me, I feel down, hurt, and affected? Even though it was never really my fault? Where is my value for my self? I am worth more than this. I know this, yet I don't realise it.
It's not just this occasion. It's a constant thing regardless of the level of relationship I have with that person. Am I too nice, too selfless, too considerate that I allow something not nearly as significant as it should be to affect me this big? Is what I'm doing good? If yes, then who for? It can't be me. How do I programme it into myself that this behaviour is not acceptable?
You know what? I'm not gonna allow people anymore to prance all over me. I am more than this. I am of more value. For Christ's sake, I'm redeemed by the blood of the Creator of everything. I tend to lose my valor and put other people in front of me. It's easy for me to put my needs in a business situation, but when it's a social situation, I am the least of my priority. I think this makes me a boring person in general. Well, not anymore. At least I'll try. I am now aware of this. I can work on this.
Anyway, I am sorry for the long rant. And if you've read this until this part without skipping any paragraph, thank you. I guess you were able to relate to. If I was able to allow you an avenue to empathise with someone, then my afflictions will not have been for naught.
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